There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side
The road to success is always under construction.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.